


Queer Eye for the Cacti

by silentsaebyeok



Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies), Spider-Man - All Media Types, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Avengers Family, Crack Treated Seriously, Crack Whump, Domestic Avengers, Don't copy to another site, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Hurt Peter Parker, NOT endgame compliant, Not Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Compliant, Peter Parker Needs a Hug, Tony Stark Acting as Peter Parker's Parental Figure, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Tony makes dumb decisions, is that a thing??? i'm making it a thing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-11
Updated: 2020-03-11
Packaged: 2021-02-28 20:27:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,793
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23103208
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/silentsaebyeok/pseuds/silentsaebyeok
Summary: He bought one-hundred cacti on Amazon! Pepper was going to kill him!What had possessed him to do such a thing? He never went on shopping sprees when drunk. That just wasn’t a Tony Stark type of thing to do. And in all honesty, he was astonished he even remembered the Amazon password.--Tony makes aninterestingpurchase while drunk. What he doesn’t expect is for said purchase to bite him in the ass in the worst possible way.
Relationships: James "Rhodey" Rhodes & Tony Stark, Pepper Potts/Tony Stark, Peter Parker & Tony Stark
Comments: 29
Kudos: 183





	Queer Eye for the Cacti

**Author's Note:**

  * For [EstelKenobi](https://archiveofourown.org/users/EstelKenobi/gifts), [dragonnan](https://archiveofourown.org/users/dragonnan/gifts).



> This fic is dedicated to two amazingly talented peeps: [EstelKenobi](https://archiveofourown.org/users/EstelKenobi) and [dragonnan](https://archiveofourown.org/users/dragonnan) . Without them this fic wouldn't have been nearly as funny as it is, and if I'm being honest, it probably would have gone in a completely different direction. A few lines of dialogue and some ideas came completely from their brains and their wonderful senses of humor.  
> \--  
> This is an AU where the Avengers are a big, dysfunctional, but happy family. Everything from Civil War on never happened. Peter got recruited to the Avengers some other way and Steve found Bucky on some dramatic, epic and emotional mission someone should write a fic about (not me lol). Most of that isn’t directly relevant to this fic, but my point is that Endg*me doesn’t exist here in any way, shape or form.

In hindsight, ordering one-hundred cacti wasn’t Tony’s best idea.

But to be fair, the Avengers mission earlier that day had been incredibly stressful, the kid had twisted his ankle and kept making stupid, reckless mistakes while Sam and Bucky egged him on. The amount of childish behavior those two exhibited around the kid was just too damn much, and by the end of the mission, Tony found he had a raging headache.

After getting the spider-kid patched up and forcing him to call his terrifying aunt to tell her what happened, Tony found he needed a way to wind down. And as it turned out, sitting on the compound lawn in the cool, summer evening air, drinking tequila with Rhodey and Thor seemed like the perfect way to do it.

It wouldn’t hurt to get a little drunk, right?

Well… it didn’t seem like such a bad idea at the time.

At least, not until he opened his pie-hole. The very one that always got him into trouble. 

“This stuff is shit.” Tony spat, world spinning and unsure what glass he was on. “ _I_ could make better tequila!”

“Please.” Rhodey slurred, rolling his eyes. “This takes years to perfect. Don’t be stupid, Tones.”

“Fuck you, Platypus! I’ll prove it!” Tony said, setting his glass haphazardly in the grass as he reached for his nearby Starkpad.

“Awww c’mon, man! You aren’t usually an angry drunk. What’s gotten into you?”

Deciding to ignore Rhodey’s petulant whining, Tony turned to Thor. “Hey, Point Break. You ever seen a cactus before?”

Thor shook his head. “I’m afraid I have not, Stark.”

“Well lookie here.” Tony slurred, holding the Starkpad out to the God of Thunder.

“Hummm.” Thor said, studying the image. “Is this some type of Midgardian plant?”

A drunken, lopsided smile graced Tony’s features. “It sure is. Annnnd they make for great tequila.”

“Tony, no!” Rhodey said, a disgruntled look on his face.

“Too late. They’re being delivered right to this very property as we speak.”

\--

The next morning, Tony woke up to a penthouse full of drunken regrets. A blistering, hangover-induced headache greeted him the moment he opened his eyes. From the feel of it, he was on his living room couch. And he had no idea how he got there. The last thing he remembered was ordering an assortment of one-hundred cacti on Amazon.

Wait.

He shot to a sitting position at that realization, eyes going wide. Taking in his surroundings, he found one-hundred cacti of various shapes and sizes littering the living room, surrounding the couch he was currently sitting on, and spilling into the foyer. The pristine pots and smudges of dirt on the carpet seeming to mock his rash decision making. Tony gulped, throat convulsing. And whether it was out of fear for the inevitable or the familiar sickness that hangovers brought he didn’t know. 

He bought _one-hundred_ cacti on Amazon! Pepper was going to kill him!

What had possessed him to do such a thing? He never went on shopping sprees when drunk. That just wasn’t a Tony Stark type of thing to do. And in all honesty, he was astonished he even remembered the Amazon password.

The sound of quick footsteps and a large gasp shook him out of his daze. Pepper was standing there, looking very put out and highly exasperated. And that was how Tony found himself being yelled at by his very angry fiancée.

“What the hell, Tony?! Why are these in our house?!” Pepper cried, gesturing widely to the array of plants around them.

Tony cringed. She’d just returned from an important business meeting in Paris, and he had a hunch she didn’t want to come home to this…mess.

“I’m gonna make tequila.” Tony answered sheepishly, deciding it was better to be honest. 

“Wh-what?” Pepper stuttered, eyes bulging in the way they only did when Tony was in deep shit. “Tony, tequila isn’t even _made_ from cacti! That’s a misnomer. Send these back right now!”

“I can’t. Non-returnable. No refunds.”

Pepper groaned and rolled her eyes. “How did I know that would be the answer.”

“C’mon, Pep.” Tony said, slinking an arm around her side. “Lighten up. We can plant them in the grounds around the compound. It’ll look nice.”

Pepper turned and glared at him, putting her hands on her hips. “Anthony Edward Stark. Are you sure you are sober right now?”

Tony gulped. “Yeah. Why?” He didn’t think alerting Pepper to his nasty hangover would help his case.

“In case you haven’t noticed, this is upstate New York! We can’t plant these here! They’ll _die_!”

“Oh. Right.”

Pepper groaned. “I’m giving you twenty-four hours to find a home for these things, and then they are going in the trash!”

“You wouldn’t!”

“Try me!” Pepper said, looking as terrifying as ever. “This is the kind of stunt pre-Iron Man Tony Stark would pull, and I don’t want to marry that Tony.”

And then she was gone, Tony left stunned and speechless in her wake.

\--

“I told you it was a bad idea, man.” Rhodey said, trying to console a somewhat distraught Tony.

He was currently laying with an arm over his face on one of the couches in the Avenger’s Lounge on the ground floor of the compound, feeling sorry for himself while telling his woes to his best friend and an oddly nonjudgmental Steve Rogers.

Sitting up and burying his face in his hands, Tony groaned. “I knew I shouldn’t have got drunk. I just knew it. I swore off alcohol the moment the kid came into my life and I should have done everything in my power to make it stay that way. And now Pep’s mad at me and—”

“Don’t be so hard on yourself, Tony.” Steve interrupted from the loveseat in the corner of the room. “We all know Pepper. She got her frustration out the way she always does, and then she’ll be back to forgive you in a few hours.”

“Yeah. Yeah, you’re right, Capsicle.” Tony conceded, choosing to forgo telling his friends how much Pepper’s final words had stung. 

Just then, Peter limped in the room and made his way to the empty couch opposite Tony. He had a bag of ice in his hand, and once situated himself on the couch, he propped the offending appendage up on some pillows and draped the bag of ice overtop of it.

“Sorry to interrupt.” Peter said, seeming to finally gauge the situation at hand. “I just needed a place to sit that wasn’t my bed.”

“Your ankle’s not healed yet?” Tony asked, sounding surprised. A sprained ankle usually wouldn’t take Peter more than half a day to heal.

“Ummm. Well…I kind of maybe re-sprained it while pranking Sam and Bucky.” Peter said sheepishly, cheeks reddening as he looked down at his lap.

Tony sighed. This quasi-spider human disaster was going to be the death of him. “That little feud you’ve got going on with them needs to stop before one of you gets seriously injured. Believe me, kid. Pranks can often go too far.”

“Aw, c’mon Mr. Stark! It’s all in good fun.”

“You won’t be saying that if you get seriously hurt, kiddo.” Tony bit back, trying to make it clear there was no room for argument.

Peter just huffed at that, pulling out his phone and getting on that SnapBook or whatever it was. To Tony, he didn’t look a day over thirteen when he acted like that.

Once it was clear Peter wasn’t interested in conversing with the adults, Tony turned back to Rhodey and Steve to discuss what they should do with the cacti.

“We could put one in each room.” Steve supplied. “You know, give one to each Avenger as a gift and all that.”

“Or we could ship them all to Clint’s farm.” Tony grumbled. After all, he didn’t really want to even look at something that reminded him of fighting with Pepper.

“Thor could take them back to Asgard. He seemed pretty fascinated when we dropped them off in your penthouse this morning.” Rhodey said, a smirk on his face.

“Oh! So, it was you two who decided my living room would be a great location for a fight with Pep!”

Rhodey put his hands up in mock-surrender. “Hey, man. I tried to warn you.”

Tony was about to retort when Peter spoke up, and much to his surprise, the kid had been listening the whole time.

“Why don’t we decorate this place with them? We could even watch _Queer Eye_ to get some trendy decorating tips.” Peter said enthusiastically.

Tony rolled his eyes. “No. We are not doing that. You’re too obsessed with that show. Does your aunt know how much you watch it?”

“Yes, she does. Especially since you banned me from watching it when I stay over at the compound!”

“Kid, I’ve seen every episode at least twenty times, I can probably quote them all from memory. Don’t you think that’s reason enough to ban it?” Tony asked, exasperated. “I was starting to go crazy!”

“Good. Then we don’t even need to watch it. We can just have you recite the episodes while Colonel Rhodes, Captain Rogers and I decorate!” Peter said, an edge of annoyance starting to creep into his voice. 

“I said no, Peter. And that’s final!”

“Fine. Geeze. Just trying to help.” Peter pouted, getting up and limping back to his bedroom, a defeated look on his face.

Tony would never admit it, but he did feel bad for taking out his frustration about the situation on Peter.

\--

In the end, Thor refused to take them back to Asgard, citing some intergalactic plant transportation law. And Tony was a little surprised those kinds of laws existed outside of Earth. He still had the urge to ship them off to Clint’s farm, but ultimately decided getting on Clint’s bad side wasn’t worth it. Pepper’s anger was already enough.

So, Tony ended up moving them to an unused corner of the training room, clustered together in an odd-looking patch. The various shapes, sizes and colors forming a patchwork in the corner of the room. Tony knew they would be the first thing anyone who entered laid eyes on, but Pepper hardly ever went in there, and Tony didn’t either. As long as they were out of sight, they would be out of the minds of both of them.

Hopefully one of the building’s occupants would take up the task of watering them every once in a while.

\--

The next morning, the weight on Tony’s shoulders was gone and mood chipper, he made his way down to the communal kitchen to have breakfast with the team. Pepper, true to Steve’s observations, had apologized for her outburst later that evening, but held firm that the cacti must go. Soon after, Tony had quietly moved them to the training room.

Speaking of that location, it was just up ahead on his way to breakfast. Maybe he would peek in there for a moment to make sure—

Suddenly, his thought was interrupted by the sounds of a gigantic crash coming from the training room. It was followed quickly by a loud yelp of pain and the words _‘oh shit!’_ that sounded like they came from the mouth of none other than Sam Wilson.

Ripping open the door and striding inside, Tony was surprised to find Peter’s body sprawled haphazardly on the ground, face scrunched in pain. Peter was covered from head-to-toe in cacti, their spines sticking out of him at every angle, attaching themselves to his bare skin and poking through the thin material of his work-out gear alike. The glass and earthen pots the green plants were previously in were shattered to pieces, and dirt was strewn everywhere.

Sam and Bucky were standing behind the super-speed treadmill he assumed Peter had been running on, shock, horror and a little bit of fear written all over their faces. Not surprisingly, Bucky was criminally holding the plug for the treadmill in his hand. 

It took Tony a moment to fully process the situation in front of him, he stood frozen, looking at Bucky and Sam with what must have been an intense expression. He had no doubt in his mind that this was somehow part of their ongoing prank war with Peter, and all at once his words from yesterday about stopping the pranks before someone became seriously injured came to his mind.

He had no idea whether to laugh or cry. 

And just like that, Tony was compelled into action. “FRIDAY, get Bruce in here.” He said to the ceiling as he moved further into the room and toward Peter’s side. 

“You okay, kid?” He asked, crouching down and instinctually reaching his hands out to sooth the kid, but stopping when he realized he couldn’t put a hand on Peter’s shoulder without imbedding the spines in his own body. “Anything broken?”

“Uhhh…I don’t think so.” Peter groaned; face still contorted in pain. “I can’t really feel my left hand, but that’s okay.”

Alarm bells went off in Tony’s head at that. Looking down at the offending limb, he saw a circular-looking cactus enveloping and piercing almost every inch of Peter’s skin, the spines sticking out at every angle. And if Tony had to make an educated guess, Peter probably caught his fall with that hand.

“Doctor Banner will arrive in about two minutes.” FRIDAY said, breaking the tense silence. 

“Okay, thanks, Fri.” Tony said, standing and stalking toward the frozen forms of Sam and Bucky with an angry look on his face. “And in the meantime, you two, are going to tell me what the hell just happened.”

Bucky gulped, shifting on his feet and looking at Sam as if to ask him to explain.

“Well…” Sam began, looking concerned and scared in a way Tony had never seen before. “We had to get back at this little sh—spider for what he did to us yesterday. So, we hid and once he got up to speed on the treadmill, we pulled the plug and it stopped.”

Tony raised an eyebrow as if to tell them their lame explanation needed more details. Sometimes his gaze was more powerful than any words he could say.

“And then he lost control.” Bucky amended. “And he kind of flew off the back right into the cacti.”

“We really didn’t mean for it to happen that way.” Sam quickly added. “It was meant to be in good fun.”

“Oh? And where have I heard that one before?” Tony asked, spinning on his heels to look back at the pitiful sight that was Peter Parker.

Peter, to his credit, looked sheepish and pale, wincing a little bit, whether out of physical pain or the anticipation of how much trouble he would be in, Tony didn’t know.

It was at that moment that Bruce arrived, looking haggard and disheveled, as if he had just got out of bed. Which come to think of it, he probably had. Ugh. This was _not_ the morning Tony expected to have.

Bruce stopped in the doorway much the same way Tony had, frozen on the spot and taking in the scene with wide eyes.

“Wh-what?” Bruce stuttered. “What happened here?”

“Never mind that.” Tony said, figuring it was better to give Bruce the details when Peter wasn’t hissing and moaning in pain. “Just get those things off of him!”

Bruce put his hands up in mock-surrender. “Okay, okay. I’ll go grab the first aid kit.

\--

“You know, Mr. Stark, I’m not very happy that—ow! you went on a drunken shopping spree and decided to buy—ah! cacti of all things!” Peter said, situated in the medbay as Bruce plucked cactus spines out of him one by one.

The kid was laying awkwardly on his stomach on one of the empty beds, his front side mostly spared from the wrath of thousands of tiny needles. But the back of him, along with his hands and lower arms, were covered.

Tony thought he looked like a human pin cushion.

“Ow, ow, ow, OW!” Peter cried, hissing in pain and turning white as a sheet when Bruce started pulling them out of his right hand.

“Sorry, Peter. I’m so sorry!” Bruce said, brow creased in worry.

Peter panted and gasped with each inhale. “Why. Does. It. Hurt. So. Bad?!”

“Cacti have tiny, microscopic barbs on each spine. It helps them stay put when they pierce something. Unfortunately, that makes them hurt worse to remove.” Bruce explained.

Peter groaned. And through clenched teeth he said, “can we take a break please. I really need a breather here.”

Tony and Bruce looked at each other. And if Tony was being honest with himself, he wanted this to end as soon as possible. Seeing Peter struggle was never something he looked forward to, and in fact, he wished he could wrap the kid in bubble wrap so he wouldn’t ever have to go through seeing him in pain again.

Unfortunately, the realist in Tony knew this wouldn’t be the last time the kid ended up in a dangerous or stupidly precarious situation.

“Yeah, okay.” Tony acquiesced, and it wasn’t just for Peter’s sake, Bruce looked like he was on the verge of a breakdown.

Peter let out a deep sigh. “Thanks, Mr. Stark.”

“I’ll be back in ten minutes, okay Peter?” Bruce said, and then to Tony, “do you have any Elmer’s Glue?”

“I don’t think so, but I bet Steve has some in that giant box of art supplies he keeps in his room. Why don’t you ask him?”

Bruce nodded and made his way to the door.

“Wait. Why do you need some cheap craft glue?” Tony asked, belatedly realizing the request was strange.

“Some of the spines are buried too deep within Peter’s skin to get out with tweezers.” Bruce began. “And there’s a nifty technique where you put glue on the site and rub it with a pad of gauze and the spine will come out.”

_How did Bruce know this shit?_ “Okay, Big Green. Get going.”

The quiet that came upon the room after Bruce left didn’t last long. It seemed as if Peter was slowly returning to his hyperactive, chatty self. And good thing too. The Tony Stark Blame Game was already starting to make its loop through his mind, despite this incident clearly being Bucky and Sam’s fault. 

“I thought it was a little weird the other day. You know? Buying a gazillion cacti and all.” Peter started. “But it isn’t really my business what you do with your money, so I didn’t say anything. But now it’s become my business, seeing as I can barely feel my hand.”

Ugh. The hand thing was really starting to worry Tony. He needed to ask Bruce about that when he came back.

“So as you can see, I have some questions.” Peter finished, wincing a little as he shifted on the bed.

_This kid._ Tony thought, pinching the bridge of his nose. “You know, kid, I have some questions too. How is it that you can walk away from a plane crash _when you were on the outside of the plane_ , but a spectacular fall into a few cacti can take you down?”

“First of all, this isn’t _a few_ cacti, Mr. Stark. Second of all, I didn’t just walk away from that plane crash. I sat on top of the Coney Island Cyclone for like three hours until it didn’t hurt to move.”

A pit suddenly formed in the bottom of Tony’s stomach. “Well that certainly doesn’t make me feel very good.” 

“Look, Mr. Stark. None of this would have even happened if you’d just listened to me. We could have followed the Fab Five’s decorating advice, and everything would have turned out fine!”

Tony rolled his eyes. That was it. “No, this wouldn’t have happened if you didn’t engage in Sam and Bucky’s childish antics! Prank wars? Really, Pete? Those things always end in disaster!”

The argument could have easily become a lot more heated than that, but luckily for both of them, Bruce chose that moment to re-enter the room.

\--

Tony truly did feel bad for Peter. And although the inhabitants of his compound annoyed him from time to time, watching Peter get spines pulled out of his body for two-plus hours really made his empathy grow and his annoyance at teenage delinquency ebb away.

A few of the spines had even pierced one of the veins on Peter’s leg, making blood instantly pour from the area, causing Tony’s heart to stutter in shock. Fortunately, Bruce chose that moment to be calm, instructing Tony to use some clean gauze to apply pressure in the way that was done after a blood draw, and assuring him this was par for the course for this type of injury.

Another issue was Peter’s left hand which had borne the brunt of his fall. One nasty spine in particular had hit a nerve close to his wrist, causing his whole hand to go numb. Yet thanks to Peter’s extraordinary healing abilities, Bruce surmised that the damaged nerve would be healed within a few days and Peter would regain full use of his hand. The man was so confident that he didn’t even seem worried about it, which did much to calm both Peter and Tony’s fears. 

After Bruce was done extracting every last needle of death, a ridiculous amount of disinfectant cream meant for puncture wounds was applied all over Peter’s body, soon followed up by wound dressings with gauze and tape.

Tony chuckled after seeing the finished product. “You look awful, Pete. Just like a walking mummy. Here, let me get a picture for Aunt Hottie.”

“Nooooo.” Peter moaned. “Haven’t I been humiliated enough?”

“No way, kiddo. When you do dumb shit, I have every right to humiliate you all I want.”

“Okay, tone it down, Tony.” Bruce said. “I have a couple more things I need to do here.”

“Really? More?” Peter whined half-heartedly.

“Yes.” Bruce said simply. “The risk of infection from unsanitary injuries such as these is high. I’m going to need to give you an extra tetanus shot and some antibiotics which you will need to take for the next two weeks. You wouldn’t want to end up back here with sepsis, would you?”

Peter shook his head, eyes wide in fear at that possibility. “No, Doctor Banner.”

“Good. Let’s get to it.”

And as Bruce finished patching Peter up, Tony thought that maybe, _just maybe,_ ordering one-hundred cacti wasn’t his best idea. After all, the benefits of being sober while taking care of a spider-kid far outweighed the consequences of disastrous drunken purchases. 

**Author's Note:**

> I've never written anything remotely like this before. It was definitely out of my comfort zone, but I'm always glad to expand my horizons. Please let me know what you think of it. Comments and kudos are greatly appreciated. They keep ya girl writing, after all! :) <3  
> 


End file.
